Madaraka day blues

My big weakness is that I want to know too much. Following people almost in a stalker fashion though I deny being one. Mostly on the net. I use the net as a keyhole into people lives - again I am not a stalker. Mostly trying to make sense of my life by relative comparison sort of like GPS triangulation system but I find the path I trend has very few if any people before me. Unique maybe but with it comes a certain sense of loneliness and paranoia. Yes I have a mentor but we can hardly relate. I straggle to find the match that may make this path more meaning full but failed in despair. None can relate none can give a testimony that would make me say, hey thats me. So I'm left to find the match somewhere in cyberspace - this is no excuse for my IAD - going through like a spider (hence my phrase spidering) crawling seemingly large number of profiles, connections, conversations anything that might make it seem worth the while but all I have come to is a dead end with no paradox or conclusion only wasted attempts of self discovery and self fulfillment that end up draining more than their worth - my life. Still I search.